The Top Eight Reasons Why the Fantasy Footballers Should Not Hire Me as a Writer

by Bill Sawalich

The Fat-Nasty Footballers have put out a call for writers to join their staff. I am a writer, believe it or not, and I love fantasy football. I am also, conveniently, hilarious. But there are several reasons why these better-than-average looking dessert geniuses should in no way consider hiring me. What follows is a small sampling of those reasons. 

1. I have never written about fantasy football in my life.
Sure, I listen to fantasy podcasts in April. And yes, my children’s college prospects do largely depend on how my dynasty team performs over the next few years. And I can write words like this and like this and like this all day long. But I have absolutely zero experience elucidating why you should choose CMC over Jonathan Taylor. I mean who the heck knows? Come draft day, we’re all just telling ourselves stories about what makes sense to us, aren’t we? We choose what seems like a reason we can justify taking a player we’re excited about, and hope it works out. For instance, maybe someone doing something like, oh I don’t know, ranking Rhamondre Stevenson #3 a few years ago? What a silly story we told ourselves — and maybe even hundreds of thousands of listeners. I’m sure it had no lasting effects, nobody’s likely to still bear a grudge to this day, are they? (More like Mike Wrong, amiright.) So why not have fun with it as we make up stories that help other people make up their own stories? 

2. I’m expensive. 
Not, like, real world expensive. But freelance writer expensive. I ain’t doing nuthin for peanuts, or worse “exposure.” If I am tasked with churning out hundreds of (occasionally) brilliant and insightful words, you’d better come correct. Otherwise, I just don’t think you’re ready for this jelly. 

3. I’m bound to make a lot of Austin Powers references.
I liked those movies quite a bit. Did you see the one where the guy was painted gold and he spoke in a funny accent? Or the one with the #12 Swedish Suck Machine? Hilarious. I drop a lot of Austin Powers references for no particular reason. Sometimes I mention him once, fairly early in the text, and then not again until the very end. It can be quite disorienting to some readers, and frankly I just am not interested in the opinions of those people. But you may be. 

4. I don’t use AI. 
I am very much “not optimized.” I write slowly, with a general lack of regard for deadlines and editorial feedback. Worse still, my copy is full of erors. There is no possible way I could be expected to compete with a bevy of writers who not only use the em dash — like this — but also crank out SEO-ready pieces at a blistering pace. It’s not apathy or laziness, it’s pure selfishness. And possibly a dash of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. 

5. I don’t believe anybody knows anything about Fantasy Football. 
It seems silly to me that anybody could be expected to predict anything of reliable value on a regular basis with regards to how professional athletes will perform day-to-day and how their psychopathic coaches (not to mention utterly insane ownership) will manage to screw up the important football games we play just for the sake of having a shot at winning a trophy that almost none of them will ever win. Which is why it’s astounding to me that so many actual fantasy experts have demonstrable track records of getting things right. (Not Wright, but right. *cough* Rhamondre *cough*) The point is, I believe in vibes. You’ve heard of vibe coding? I do vibe drafting. And vibe lineup-submitting. One of these days I’m bound to finish in the top 10 of my 12-team league, I just know it! 

6. I’m bound to get you in trouble. 
See item five, above, in which I referred to NFL bigwigs as both psychopathic and insane. 

7. I don’t know how to spell desert.
Did you catch it? Up there in the intro? I referred to y’all as “dessert geniuses.” I meant to say desert. I know Jason is also a dessert genius (or former, perhaps? Great job, big guy.) but I simply got it wrong. You reside where water is scarce, in the temporary home of the former (and if there’s justice in this world, future) St. Louis Football Cardinals in an all-around arid ecosystem. It’s a desert, with one S. And I biffed it. Which is par for the course. (I also shouldn’t write about golf!) 

8. I don’t want to be a staff writer. 
I’m awfully busy. I already have a full-time job, as well as other commitments that would make it practically impossible for me to commit to a regular slate of assignments. (Unless, of course, there were extenuating circum$tance$.) No but for real, I can’t do weekly zooms and meetings and truly I don’t even know I could be counted on to adhere to a regular publishing schedule. What I could do is deliver a fairly low-volume of comic relief whereby I combine some sort of strange statistical analysis with my “good vibes” strategy that allows me to periodically birth something along the lines of “Why the NFL should adopt an English Premier League-style relegation system” or “Don’t draft tight ends who take vacations overseas.” I can probably be convinced to incorporate the occasional statistical grounding, or even rein in the hilarity a skosh. But I’m not the guy to crank out “Seven college kickers to watch based on ACT scores.” 

There’s little else to be said. I can come up with very few reasons why you should hire me — none, actually, beyond my love of fantasy football and mailbox money — and obviously eight reasons not to. But maybe you wouldn’t object to sending the occasional assignment my way? Low expectations, high pay, that sort of thing. When you get right down to it, I think the most important factor to consider might be simple: Do I make you horny, baby? Oh behave! 

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See more writing samples at sawalich.com/writer